Genesis of Cavemen

My fascination with cavemen began when I went paintballin' (paintball shooting) out in Rivertucky (Riverside) with my friend Bert Kreischer, (the guy who, if there was a God, would have been Adam Carolla's replacement on Loveline, check out his website, bertbertbert.com). Just after Bert told a group of "advanced" players that the real "advanced" players were in Iraq, we observed a Dungeons & Dragons alum galloping up the paved walkway. Bert remarked, "that kid obviously didn't play sports growing up," and this caused me to ponder: How did cavemen run?

When this kid tried to attain speeds above walking he looked like he was one twitch away from having a seizure, and it's most likely because he had never been shown proper running technique. Whether by his Dad, a P.E. teacher, a track coach, etc. nobody had ever taken the time to make sure that this kid developed the grace of a gazelle. And, in his defense, the kid didn't have any reason to learn: Most Taco Bells have a drive-thru and video game controllers only reach so far. But cavemen didn't have washed-up jocks with bachelor's degrees to learn from. They didn't have 'how-to' books or subscriptions to Runner's World to rely upon. Cavemen didn't even have mirrors to help observe their own form. Since this kid was only moving in the way that his gangly frame instinctively functioned, maybe we just witnessed Man at his most primal. Instead of squinting at the awkwardness of this doofus, maybe we should be admiring the beauty of our shared ancestry. But then it hit me: Evolution. Running was vital for caveman survival. Whether it was pursuing prey or fleeing a predator - running was a life or death situation. And any caveman kid that ran like this idiot most likely became a Saber-Toothed Tiger hors d'oeuvre and never procreated.

But there had to be a caveman who realized the importance of running and running well. There had to be a caveman who realized the potential reward from exploiting such an obvious human necessity. There had to be a Jewish caveman! Imagine caveman running seminars. And, with humans being naturally competitive, they were probably always racing each other...Imagine caveman Olympics!

-Rocky