Genesis of Cavemen

My fascination with cavemen began when I went paintballin' (paintball shooting) out in Rivertucky (Riverside) with my friend Bert Kreischer, (the guy who, if there was a God, would have been Adam Carolla's replacement on Loveline, check out his website, bertbertbert.com). Just after Bert told a group of "advanced" players that the real "advanced" players were in Iraq, we observed a Dungeons & Dragons alum galloping up the paved walkway. Bert remarked, "that kid obviously didn't play sports growing up," and this caused me to ponder: How did cavemen run?

When this kid tried to attain speeds above walking he looked like he was one twitch away from having a seizure, and it's most likely because he had never been shown proper running technique. Whether by his Dad, a P.E. teacher, a track coach, etc. nobody had ever taken the time to make sure that this kid developed the grace of a gazelle. And, in his defense, the kid didn't have any reason to learn: Most Taco Bells have a drive-thru and video game controllers only reach so far. But cavemen didn't have washed-up jocks with bachelor's degrees to learn from. They didn't have 'how-to' books or subscriptions to Runner's World to rely upon. Cavemen didn't even have mirrors to help observe their own form. Since this kid was only moving in the way that his gangly frame instinctively functioned, maybe we just witnessed Man at his most primal. Instead of squinting at the awkwardness of this doofus, maybe we should be admiring the beauty of our shared ancestry. But then it hit me: Evolution. Running was vital for caveman survival. Whether it was pursuing prey or fleeing a predator - running was a life or death situation. And any caveman kid that ran like this idiot most likely became a Saber-Toothed Tiger hors d'oeuvre and never procreated.

But there had to be a caveman who realized the importance of running and running well. There had to be a caveman who realized the potential reward from exploiting such an obvious human necessity. There had to be a Jewish caveman! Imagine caveman running seminars. And, with humans being naturally competitive, they were probably always racing each other...Imagine caveman Olympics!

-Rocky

Living With Homos

Last week the journal Nature reported that the dating of fossils found in Kenya revealed that Homo erectus may not have evolved from Homo habilis, but the two species may have in fact coexisted for nearly 500,000 years.

This got me wonderin’…Were Adam and Eve cavemen? And if so, are there cavemen in heaven? And given the current state of California’s penal system and Arnold’s problems with prison overcrowding, do you think that God has ever had a problem with heaven overcrowding? And if Adam was created on the 6th day, which day did the dinosaurs run around? And if Adam and Eve were cavemen, after they ate the forbidden fruit did they really need the fig leaves? I mean cavemen were pretty hairy – hairy like gorillas, and I’ve seen a lot of naked gorillas but I don’t ever remember seeing a gorilla vagina.

More intriguing is that the article reports the two Homos remained separate species. They lived together in the same lake basin for almost half a million years and yet they didn’t interbreed. How much do you have to not like a group of people in order to not even mingle for 500 centuries? Whites and blacks couldn’t even make it through slavery!

Scientists theorize that they had their own ecological niche and thus avoided direct competition, but still, to not even rape each other? Talk about disdain. Can you imagine the type of derogatory terms they must have had for one another? Given that “knuckle dragger” was most likely a term of endearment back then, how bad must the insult have been in order to be considered a spec-ial slur? Do you think they had caveman “yo momma” jokes? And when push came to shove can you imagine a caveman hate crime? A Grand Master erectus complaining that habilis bring down eastern Africa property values...Cross burnings before fire had been invented...“Erectus only” drinking fountains...Habilis being forced to ride on the back of the brontosaurus…