"Barack Diesel"

Christian Bale got arrested yesterday. I think more ironic than a guy named "Bale" posting bail is the fact that a judge didn't think Batman was a flight risk. All of this happened right after the "Dark Knight" overtook "Spiderman 3" as the biggest opening weekend box office ever. Now, I have no problem with the two most successful films in American cinematic history being comic book-based sequels, but I have a problem with Christian Bale and Tobey Maguire being superheroes! What six-year old, when he is pretending to be a superhero, imagines that he is Tobey Maguire? No kid puts on a cape and pretends to fly around the living room imagining that he is a fully-grown, yet still only ninety-pound, ambiguously heterosexual pussy. These waif twinks are not superheroes! A superhero is big and tough, and smart. A superhero would be Barack Obama in Vin Diesel's body. That's a superhero! Can you imagine John McCain challenging that guy to a town hall meeting? If Barack Obama had Vin Diesel's body the Republicans would probably just pass on this election. They'd announce at their convention, "you know what, Barack Diesel? We're just going to sit this one out, we'll be right over here in congress if you need us, thank you for saving the planet."

If Barack Obama had Vin Diesel's body it wouldn't even be an insult when the racist right-wing referred to him as "Barack Hussein Obama." Trying to make fun of Barack Obama for being named "Barack Hussein Obama" would be an anti anti-Muslim smear. Barack Obama would be like a Muslim superhero. Can you imagine a Muslim superhero? Flying around, making sure that Muslims abide by the peaceful teachings of the Koran? And what about a Christian super hero? I guess it would be Barack Obama again, but this time he'd be in Jerry Falwell's body. A flying donkey making sure that people who call themselves "Christians" actually follow the teachings of CHRIST!

I just wanna see Mary Magdalene in a Wonder Woman costume...

-Rocky