Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Queer'd Science

The other night my friend, Bert Kreischer, taped a One-Hour Comedy Central Special in Orange County, (Bert is hilarious, he is currently on Comedy Central's Reality Bites Back, and he is one of my favorite people). A few friends rode to the show like rock stars, in stretched limos, with coolers full of booze, and plenty of chips and dip. I was in a limo with 7 people including my friend, Lorenzo, and a couple that I had never met before.

The couple worked for Playboy so inevitably, (with Lorenzo in the car), the conversation turned to porn and then "girl-on-girl action." There were a few sentences about bisexual women and then Lorenzo asked me what a bisexual guy was called. Without hesitation, I correctly answered, "Gay."

Lorenzo made a "jerking-off" motion with his hand and explained, "You do a little of this – you're gay, this isn't "experimenting" – this is gay..."

That is when the guy that I had never met before, (we'll call him "Bruce"), declared that his first sexual experience was with a guy.

Stunned silence.

You could have heard a pin drop, (and by "pin drop" I mean Lawrence, the Black limo driver, muttering under his breath, "Man, what type of fruity muthafuckin' faggot-ass bitches do I got back there?").

Now, my first impression of "Bruce" was that he was gay – it might have been because he wore a teal undershirt and a fedora, had tapered facial hair, and spoke with a lisp, but it was probably just wishful thinking because he was with a super hot chick – so I wasn't too shocked and this kind of validated my assholeness, but I guess there hadn't even been a blip on anybody else's gaydar because "Bruce's" admission flabbergasted the rest of the passengers.

Bryce, errr "Bruce," continued, "...but that's how I knew I wasn't gay – I didn't like it."

There remained the tension caused by the quiet disbelief that someone would actually volunteer such information to a car full of complete strangers so I tried to disperse the awkwardness by interjecting, "Well, I guess that is the scientific method."

My sincere attempt at queer diplomacy continued, "...you have a hypothesis, you conduct an experiment, then you analyze the results..." but the conversation moved on and I was left pondering "experimenting."

An experiment has controlled and uncontrolled variables. What if "Bruce's" first time was with a brunette, but "Bruce" really likes blonds? What if "Bruce" "experimented" with a "bear" but "Bruce" really likes "twinks"? What if the guy had terrible oral skills or just ate garlic chili-cheese fries for lunch? In order to eliminate uncontrolled variables how many "experiments" are necessary, and at what point does it stop being "experimenting" and become just plain horniness? Where is the line between investigation and lifestyle?

But then a more pertinent question entered my mind: How far into the gay "experiment" is the hypothesis still in question?

Is it when you touch the guy's penis? Is it after you lick the tip of the guy's penis? Or is it after the penis is fully in your mouth, your uvula is pinned against the back of your throat, and you've got snot bubbles because you've been breathing through your nose for the past ten minutes? When are you still not sure if you like guys? Is it after a cock slaps against your ass? Is it after the head of the penis is inserted into your rectum? Or is it after the cock has totally stretched your entire colon, a guy is moaning with pleasure, pumping ferociously, pulling your hair, spanking, and complimenting you on the tightness of your virgin butthole? At what point are you still not sure if you're attracted to men?

"Experimenting" is GYM CLASS, God dammit!

Watching dudes work out, get changed, and shower is enough research for a guy to know whether or not he would like his post-coital cuddling sessions to include running his fingers through someone else's chest hair?

Lorenzo may not have mapped his argument from premise to conclusion or presented his theory with the refinement of a Rhodes Scholar but his assertion was absolutely correct: "Experimenting" is GAY!

And damn, that faggot had a hot girlfriend!
-Rocky

(Though this post is based on actual events, its intent is purely comedic. Gay rights are civil rights, and I am an advocate for equality.)