Thursday, April 30, 2009

You Must Be This Gay To Ride This Ride...And I Want To Cuddle Afterwards

No Mr. Elliptical Machine, I will not "cool down" for "5 minutes"! We mutually agreed to 15 minutes. Not 15 minutes...plus some more minutes. FIF-TEEN MINUTES! When I pushed "1" and then "5" and you responded by commencing my workout and posting a timer that was counting down from 15 minutes that was a tacit acknowledgment, approval, and agreement that a 15 minute workout was suffice. If you wanted me to "cool down" for 5 minutes you should have figured out a way to incorporate those 5 minutes into our original, heretofore agreement. It's bad enough that you make me look like an effeminate, power-walking gazelle!

-Rocky

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Torture is a Semantics Issue

Watching the usual-suspect talking-heads discuss waterboarding and the "Enhanced Interrogations" memos this past week has been like watching people who speak different languages argue with each other.

Adversaries of waterboarding made "legal" arguments causing defenders of the Bush Administration's policies to respond with "literal" rationalizations for "practical" explanations of "philosophical" justifications...And not once did I hear a legal arguer make a literal objection to the practical application of a philosophical defense.

According to the dictionary, "uncomfortable" is not "torture" (literal), but according to the Geneva Conventions, waterboarding is (legal). But so what?! In the real world, if sitting across the table from someone who has knowledge of an imminent terror threat, it is obligatory to do whatever it takes, law be damned, to attain that information in order to protect the lives of innocent civilians because the value of a human life is greater than the inconvenience one might suffer by serving time in prison (practical and philosophical). AND THAT'S THE POINT!!! That is why these memos are so egregious - Waterboarding someone 183 times is a violation of the Geneva Conventions (legal), is physical abuse (literal), is not a "means to an end" because it does not work and is only used to attain a certain response (practical), and is evidence of it not being a "ticking time-bomb" situation (philosophical).

Article III of the Geneva Conventions states: "Persons taking no active part in the hostilities...who have laid down their arms...shall in all circumstances be treated humanely..." and "the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever...violence to life and person...cruel treatment and torture."
These "Enhanced Interrogations" violate the Geneva Conventions because the detainees were not active participants on a battlefield, they had laid down their arms, and subjecting them to waterboarding was inhumane, violent, and cruel (legal).

Now don't get me wrong, I don't care if waterboarding causes physical discomfort or results in lasting psychological damage to a person who has caused, or has knowledge of, an attack that will result in the permanent physical and psychological trauma to innocent civilians (practical and philosophical), but by definition, waterboarding IS torture (literal). These memos required that there be a doctor in the immediate vicinity while waterboarding was taking place in order to prevent death to the detainee - Not because waterboarding is simulated drowning without the threat of death but because waterboarding is simulated death without the threat of drowning. Waterboarding shuts off oxygen to the brain thus triggering physical responses such as causing the brain to try and run on carbon dioxide. Shutting off oxygen to the brain is not good and results in lasting neurological trauma...especially after 183 times!

But regardless of whether waterboarding is torture (legal and literal), the point is that it doesn't work (practical). Torture causes the victim to say or do whatever is necessary to make the torture stop. No matter how short-term the cessation of agony - humans will do whatever it takes to stop the pain. If that means telling the truth, than so be it, if that means lying, than so be it. Torture results in the torturers being told what they want to hear, and that is why the information attained through torture is unreliable – it could or couldn't be the truth. It's very simple, if waterboarding is done to get the truth, than that means that it is done AGAIN because it didn't get the truth. It is not a "means to an end" because in reality, waterboarding is not done to get information, it is done to get a specific response.

And that is the real concern regarding these memos. Before these memos were drafted the CIA (allegedly) discreetly used these techniques in "ticking time-bomb" situations (philosophical), but these memos reveal that the Bush Administration instructed interrogators to use these methods in instances when the intent was not to thwart an imminent threat (legal, literal, practical, and philosophical). If there was enough time to draft legal memos, how imminent was the threat? If there was enough time to waterboard someone 183 times over the span of a month, how imminent was the threat? And if a detainee that was captured in March wasn't waterboarded until August, how imminent was the threat?

But the most damning revelation concerning these memos could be that these "Enhanced Interrogations" were ordered merely to validate an invasion of Iraq. The fact that these waterboardings were ramped-up preceding the invasion of Iraq most likely means that the Bush Administration was not concerned with attaining information but that they were simply using these tactics to acquire the justification to wage war. These "Enhanced Interrogations" were not done to avert an imminent threat, but rather, to create one (legal, literal, practical, and philosophical).

Whether or not that threat was that there WAS a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq – the Bush Administration told us that there was...and they were wrong. Whether or not that threat was that Saddam Hussein HAD weapons of mass destruction – the Bush Administration told us that he did...and they were wrong. Whether or not the invasion of Iraq WAS the result of faulty intelligence – the Bush Administration told us that it was...and they were right.


But one frightening and very revealing issue pertaining to these memos that nobody seems to be discussing is the fact that THERE HAD TO BE MEMOS!!!

Military personnel and high-ranking security officials are not in the business of questioning authority. A 2nd Lieutenant has to lead his platoon into more than one, (usually numerous), ambushes before his troops start questioning their leader's map-reading abilities. Chain of command is the backbone of our military and security agencies; and these memos reveal that the CIA would not follow a Bush Administration order unless written legal rationale accompanied, and justified, their instruction.

These memos illustrate that George W. Bush had a fundamental lack of understanding of the enemy, of human psychology, and of reality in general; and had already demonstrated so much incompetence as Commander in Chief that his charges were justifiably insubordinate. And his administration's defense of these memos only shows that they will do whatever it takes to protect...THEIR EGOS!


But, though what these memos say is easily comprehensible, the most articulate response is still unclear.

The past 8 years with the Bush Administration has been like playing Wheel of Fortune. Some folks saw what was hidden right away, a lot of us needed most of the vowels being on the board to solve the puzzle, and a lot of people, even after most of the letters had been revealed, still had absolutely no clue as to what was being concealed, (and even after the mystery is completely exposed they will probably still just be left saying, "hmmm - that's not a Popular Phrase at all").

But the United States of America is more important than a nightly game show, and it was the duty of the majority of us who realized what was being kept out of sight by the Bush Administration, to make known those secrets, and to hold our democratically elected officials accountable for their corrupt conduct the moment that we recognized it. Though it is appropriate and necessary to trust our leaders until they prove that they cannot be trusted, when it is apparent that betrayal has become policy it is the citizens' task to take action. We are a government "of the people, by the people, for the people," not a government "for the party in power, by the party that was out of power, to go after the party that is no longer in power." George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and others in their administration should be punished for their actions but to ask President Obama to do what was our responsibility is irrationally selfish and could be disproportionately detrimental to our Union.

Obviously moving forward without the lessons being learned from this chapter in our nation's history is negligent and dangerous, and thankfully our Department of Justice is no longer a faith-based initiative. An Independent Counsel is probably the correct course, but our democracy is our obligation, and though George W. Bush committed war crimes and was an absolutely inept president, the true shame is that he was democratically elected twice because he was the best man for the job both times, (anybody who is not resourceful enough to win an election against George W. Bush is not sophisticated enough, (and thus, not qualified), to be the most powerful person on the planet). Sadly, what these memos reveal is that the America of the past decade most likely deserved its leaders.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Iambic Pentathlon

On Monday the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry was awarded. In response, the International Olympic Committee announced that they would now be awarding medals in "Not Being Able to Swim."

Before a hastily arranged press conference the head of the IOC was overheard remarking to an aide, "If they're going to be giving awards to fuckers who can't write prose or play a musical instrument, than why the fuck not?"


"...And the Pulitzer Prize for "Writing a Blog That Nobody Reads" goes to..."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Definition of Irony. (Look It Up!)

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c
Moment of Zen - Ignoramus
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I love this clip for so many reasons: First off, SHE HAD TO GOOGLE THE WORD "IGNORAMUS"!!! Not only is she a full-grown adult, and not only is she a full-grown adult who is allowed to leave the house unsupervised, ride the bus by herself, and use grown-up scissors, but she is a full-grown adult who is supposedly capable and learned enough to be an on-air co-anchor for a nationally televised "news" network...without wearing her walking helmet!

She didn't know, (and proudly admitted such), what it meant to be called an "ignoramus"!

...And on top of that, even after googling, she still doesn't know what it means to be called an "IGNORAMUS"! Any 7 year-old, (who has been on a public-school playground (more on that later), can tell you that being called an "ignoramus" is the equivalent of being called an "idiot"! The ETYMOLOGY, not the definition, of the word "ignoramus" is "ignorant lawyer." (1570, Anglo-French, legal term for "we ignore.") Ignoramus was a satirical play written by George Ruggle in 1615 about the obliviousness and stupidity of common lawyers and the title role, Ignoramus, was an "ignorant lawyer." The definition of "ignoramus" is "an utterly ignorant person," a "dunce," or, most suitable in this case, "a vain pretender to knowledge," but still, SHE HAD TO GOOGLE THE WORD "IGNORAMUS"!!!

...And now there are thousands of people - a lot of them parents in middle-America who are home-schooling their children in order to prevent them from being brainwashed by them evolution books - who think, and are teaching their kids, that the definition of "ignoramus" is "ignorant lawyer"...Frickin' liberal media!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

"Happy Rx To Me...Happy Rx To Me..."

If you're only as old as you feel than how come I feel like Propecia and Viagra would make great birthday presents?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

"...Shit Taco"

My favorite TV segment of the week...I've decided that Comedy Central has officially become more credible and politically relevant than the Fox News Channel.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c
Baracknophobia - Obey
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Friday, April 10, 2009

I'm Pretty Fly for a Quota

I've decided that if you have ever said, "I'm a pretty good dancer...for a white guy," "I run pretty fast...for a white guy," or "I jump pretty high...for a white guy," you are not allowed to be against affirmative action.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I'm Like Stevie Wonder on a Computer

I decided that I needed to type faster so I took a keyboarding class. I'm still very slow at typing...but I'm pretty good on the piano.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Como Se Dice "FUBAR"?

It's no wonder that Afghanistan and Iraq are still a mess - The Bush administration trying to teach democracy is like a Spanish teacher trying to teach Korean...over the phone!

"It's my way or the high road..."

Thursday, April 2, 2009

G's Up

The G-20, Group of 20 Industrial Nations, wrapped up their summit in London today and this got me wonderin' - How much does it suck to be G-21? To be the 21st Industrial Nation? To only get invited to meetings G-21 and up?

Being G-21 during a G-20 meeting is worse than getting picked last in gym class - it's like not getting picked at all. It's like not even being good enough to be the team manager. Being the G-21 nation during a G-20 summit is like being forced to watch from the sidelines as the fat, uncoordinated Mexico gets to play. Hey Egypt and Singapore, it's great that you brought your gloves, and I can see that you really wanna play, but we'd much rather have the asthmatic and mildly-retarded Turkey on our team. What's that Ivory Coast, you have a note from your doctor? Well then go sit with Malaysia and Chile - they forgot their gym shorts. Hey Morocco and Thailand, wanna hear a funny joke? If I catch you smoking in the boys' room again, "IMF" is gonna be what your grade says when it introduces itself...
My Week Without Fast-Food Diary - Day 2: Wow!!! I feel absolutely fantastic! I have so much energy! Usually around 3pm I start dragging ass and feel like I need to take a nap, but today the afternoon came and went and the thought of taking a nap never even crossed my mind. I wish I could sleep in until noon everyday!