The Zodiac Killer

It is officially the end of one of the worst periods of the year – though it is still holocaust deniers' favorite month, (Jew-lie), it is no longer the birthday season for people with the most awful astrological sign.

I'm an Aries. I like being an Aries. Whenever I tell women who are into astrology that I am an Aries, they always respond with an intrigued/panic-stricken look. Their mouths then say, "Aries are passionate," but their faces say, "You're gonna fuck me 'til I love you and then never call."

"Aries" sounds cool, it is the FIRST sign in the Zodiac, and a ram is a rather butch animal. Also, "Ares" is the Greek God of war. But people born between June 22 and July 22 aren't as fortunate as me because those who have had birthdays within the past four weeks are Cancers.

Whenever someone tells me that they are a Cancer I respond with a compassionate/disgusted look. My mouth then says "That sucks," and my face says, "Don’t kill yourself, but if you do I'll understand."

Cancer is devastating and the most widely-affecting disease on the planet; and the word "Cancer" never elicits positive associations.

But Cancers then always respond, "Cancer, as in Crabs," as if that makes it better: "Oh, it's not carcinoma, it's sexually transmitted..."

Granted, Crabs aren't as bad as Herpes, but when I hear "Cancer" I don't think "Deadliest Catch;" and just because your sign doesn't need an oncologist isn't a plus.

And imagine the stigma that kids who are Cancers grow up with. Every time that they get introduced it's the equivalent of saying, "This is Tommy – he's a Leo, this is Sally – she's malignant..."

The astrological sign, Cancer, needs to be done away with because its detriments far outweigh its benefits. I don't care if Venus is in retrograde, horoscopes should not metastasize, and being a "Cancer" is not okay!

There are plenty of other crustaceans to choose from, and I'm pretty sure nobody would mind if we even replaced the sign with a mollusk. But though Scallops are good when cooked right and wrapped with bacon, I think the best choice for replacing "Cancer" is "Lobster." Lobsters also have claws, taste great, and are expensive; but even for people who don't like eating lobster, the worst connotation the name conjures is "Maine," "market price," or "Monk fish"...and none of those require biopsies!