Sunday, September 2, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Make A Wish Don Imus
News today is that CBS settled its wrongful termination dispute with fired shock jock Don Imus.
My problem with the whole Don Imus fiasco is that you know when those two lone white girls on the Rutgers girls’ basketball team heard Don Imus call them “nappy headed hoes,” you know it was the happiest day of their lives. You know they were like, “YES! FINALLY! After all these years…sagging my pants…listening to gangsta rap…corn rows so tight they hurt my head, finally I get some recognition…”
And then they go and fire his ass for giving these girls the greatest gift anyone has ever given them.
I think CBS missed out on a fantastic business opportunity. Instead of firing Don, I think they should have kept him, and started the “Make A Wish Foundation…For Wiggers.”
Kids from all over the country could write in:
“Deer Mistuh Imis,
I been talking like I’s black since I was 12 years old. I’m going into my senior year and these fool be trippin’ cuz they know these bitches be jockin’ my shit.
Please help…”
And then Don could get on the radio and be like, “I’m sending this shout out to the most thugginest gangsta I know – Melvin Vanderwinkle. Pimpin all the nappy headed hoes in Bismarck, North Dakota. You bitches better have his money!”
A win – win.
My problem with the whole Don Imus fiasco is that you know when those two lone white girls on the Rutgers girls’ basketball team heard Don Imus call them “nappy headed hoes,” you know it was the happiest day of their lives. You know they were like, “YES! FINALLY! After all these years…sagging my pants…listening to gangsta rap…corn rows so tight they hurt my head, finally I get some recognition…”
And then they go and fire his ass for giving these girls the greatest gift anyone has ever given them.
I think CBS missed out on a fantastic business opportunity. Instead of firing Don, I think they should have kept him, and started the “Make A Wish Foundation…For Wiggers.”
Kids from all over the country could write in:
“Deer Mistuh Imis,
I been talking like I’s black since I was 12 years old. I’m going into my senior year and these fool be trippin’ cuz they know these bitches be jockin’ my shit.
Please help…”
And then Don could get on the radio and be like, “I’m sending this shout out to the most thugginest gangsta I know – Melvin Vanderwinkle. Pimpin all the nappy headed hoes in Bismarck, North Dakota. You bitches better have his money!”
A win – win.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Living With Homos
Last week the journal Nature reported that the dating of fossils found in Kenya revealed that Homo erectus may not have evolved from Homo habilis, but the two species may have in fact coexisted for nearly 500,000 years.
This got me wonderin’…Were Adam and Eve cavemen? And if so, are there cavemen in heaven? And given the current state of California’s penal system and Arnold’s problems with prison overcrowding, do you think that God has ever had a problem with heaven overcrowding? And if Adam was created on the 6th day, which day did the dinosaurs run around? And if Adam and Eve were cavemen, after they ate the forbidden fruit did they really need the fig leaves? I mean cavemen were pretty hairy – hairy like gorillas, and I’ve seen a lot of naked gorillas but I don’t ever remember seeing a gorilla vagina.
More intriguing is that the article reports the two Homos remained separate species. They lived together in the same lake basin for almost half a million years and yet they didn’t interbreed. How much do you have to not like a group of people in order to not even mingle for 500 centuries? Whites and blacks couldn’t even make it through slavery!
Scientists theorize that they had their own ecological niche and thus avoided direct competition, but still, to not even rape each other? Talk about disdain. Can you imagine the type of derogatory terms they must have had for one another? Given that “knuckle dragger” was most likely a term of endearment back then, how bad must the insult have been in order to be considered a spec-ial slur? Do you think they had caveman “yo momma” jokes? And when push came to shove can you imagine a caveman hate crime? A Grand Master erectus complaining that habilis bring down eastern Africa property values...Cross burnings before fire had been invented...“Erectus only” drinking fountains...Habilis being forced to ride on the back of the brontosaurus…
This got me wonderin’…Were Adam and Eve cavemen? And if so, are there cavemen in heaven? And given the current state of California’s penal system and Arnold’s problems with prison overcrowding, do you think that God has ever had a problem with heaven overcrowding? And if Adam was created on the 6th day, which day did the dinosaurs run around? And if Adam and Eve were cavemen, after they ate the forbidden fruit did they really need the fig leaves? I mean cavemen were pretty hairy – hairy like gorillas, and I’ve seen a lot of naked gorillas but I don’t ever remember seeing a gorilla vagina.
More intriguing is that the article reports the two Homos remained separate species. They lived together in the same lake basin for almost half a million years and yet they didn’t interbreed. How much do you have to not like a group of people in order to not even mingle for 500 centuries? Whites and blacks couldn’t even make it through slavery!
Scientists theorize that they had their own ecological niche and thus avoided direct competition, but still, to not even rape each other? Talk about disdain. Can you imagine the type of derogatory terms they must have had for one another? Given that “knuckle dragger” was most likely a term of endearment back then, how bad must the insult have been in order to be considered a spec-ial slur? Do you think they had caveman “yo momma” jokes? And when push came to shove can you imagine a caveman hate crime? A Grand Master erectus complaining that habilis bring down eastern Africa property values...Cross burnings before fire had been invented...“Erectus only” drinking fountains...Habilis being forced to ride on the back of the brontosaurus…
Monday, August 6, 2007
GO BARRY, BUT DON'T GO HERE
The Barry Bonds traveling circus invaded my hometown this past weekend as the San Francisco Giants took on my San Diego Padres for a three game series. And like the majority of Padres fans I didn’t want Barry to break any records in San Diego. But unlike most San Diego fans who hate Barry because he has more home runs against the Padres than any other team, I didn’t want the record to be broken in San Diego, not because I am a Padres fan, but because I am a Bonds fan. That’s right, I am that rare species known as “non-San Franciscan Barry Bonds sympathizer.”
I became a Barry Bonds fan last year when I watched him repeatedly smack the ball to the warning track while playing on only one leg. He definitely was not aided by any illegal chemistry, and he could only put weight on one leg, yet he consistently knocked the ball to within ten feet of it being a home run. Now, I’m not a mathematician, but I figured that if he could hit the ball that far on only “one” leg, if he had “two” legs, in all “probability,” it would have “equaled” a home run; and that would have been a lot of steroid-free home runs, especially for a man over forty years old.
I became more of a Bonds fan when I learned that he went to college over a $5,000 dispute. Out of high school Barry was drafted by the Giants. He asked for a $75,000 signing bonus, but the Giants only counter offered with $70,000. Barry turned them down and went to Arizona State. $5,000! Talk about stubborn! Because of a $5,000 discrepancy this guy turned down $70,000 and playing professional baseball, and instead chose to do home work while living in a dorm room.
But again, I am the rare exception. Most baseball fans resent Barry because he is suspected of steroid use and is now about to surpass Hank Aaron’s all-time home runs record.
I agree that baseball fans should be upset, but anyone who is angry that Barry Bonds is about to break one of the most cherished records in all of sports has only one man to blame – Bud Selig.
Yes, Barry Bonds represents the steroid era, but he is not responsible for it – Bud Selig is. Even if Barry did use HGH and other performance enhancing drugs, (which I believe he did – a man does not naturally increase two shoe sizes in his mid-thirties), it was not against the rules, and Bud Selig is the reason. Bud repeatedly refused to instate the type of anti-doping measures common in most professional sports. Partly because baseball players sucking down drug cocktails of uppers and downers was as common place as taking batting practice, but mostly because his commissioner abilities left “the long ball” as the only way Major League Baseball could remain solvent.
Drug use in baseball is nothing new. Players gorging on prescription strength anti-inflammatory in an effort to decrease pain and swelling and maintain full range of motion, and then countering those depressants with psychomotor stimulants such as speed in order to regain their necessary cat-like reflexes is a long accepted practice. But it was only during Bud Selig’s tenure that steroid use was rampant, encouraged, and embraced. Remember when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were chasing Roger Maris’s single season home run record? Where was Bud? The media might not have been privy but I guarantee baseball knew where Big Mac and Slammin’ Sammy got their newfound strength, yet there was Bud, whole heartedly and enthusiastically supporting them at every single game, laughing and cheering on the juiced-up hackers, while seeing dollar signs as every ball left the park.
Well Bud, you reap what you sow. Except now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud doesn’t want to be anywhere near the ballpark as Barry chases Hank’s record. And now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud puts his hands in his pockets whenever Barry hits a homerun. And now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud releases statements explaining that Barry is “innocent until proven guilty…”
Guilty of what, Bud? Guilty of not breaking any rules? Guilty of doing it the right way until he saw the head of the league worship a couple of one-trick pony steroid users as if they were the Second Coming?
Unlike Rafael Palmeiro, Barry has never tested positive for steroids. Unlike Sammy Sosa, Barry has never been caught using a corked bat. And unlike Mark McGwire, Barry hits for average, walks more than he strikes out, and is one of the best defensive players to ever step on the field.
The only thing Barry Bonds is guilty of is doing what it takes to win, (and maybe tax evasion, but hey, who isn’t?).
The steroids controversy surrounding Barry Bonds is Bud Selig’s doing, and for Bud not to applaud Barry’s chase is the height of hypocrisy and only evident of the former used car salesman’s lack of class.
The reason I didn’t want Barry to break the record in San Diego is because I want it to happen in San Francisco. I want Bud to have to listen to the hometown crowd resoundingly cheer his nemesis. I want Bud to be in a stadium that is on the verge of crumbling due to the exuberance of fans showing their love for a man who gave everything for their team. I want Bud to have to watch Barry Bonds break Hank Aaron's record as a loud speaker in his luxury box blares, “This is your fault! This is your fault! Do you still want to retract the Twins…?”
I know Barry Bonds is a major league jerk, who has never been very nice to pip-squeak sports reporters, and even in college he was left off of the Olympic team because of his less than peachy demeanor, but just because the guy is an asshole doesn’t mean that his achievements aren’t deserving of respect. And yes, Barry used steroids, but so what? A lot of players did including the pitcher who served up his record tying homerun. Was it more wrong for Barry to use the “clear” (before anyone even really knew what the “clear” was) in order to combat injuries and augment his strength-training than it was for Cal Ripken to use painkillers and amphetamines in order to play every day and overtake Lou Gehrig’s consecutive games record?
I don’t want Hank Aaron’s record to be broken either, but it’s going to happen. And when it does I want that idiot who got his start in baseball when he was awarded the Seattle Pilots in a bankruptcy court ruling, Bud Selig, to be watching. And hopefully when Alex Rodriguez sets the all time home runs mark, Barry will be resting comfortably in the Hall of Fame, and the only asterisk in the record book will be next to Bud Selig’s name.
"Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer...and segregation."
-Rocky
I became a Barry Bonds fan last year when I watched him repeatedly smack the ball to the warning track while playing on only one leg. He definitely was not aided by any illegal chemistry, and he could only put weight on one leg, yet he consistently knocked the ball to within ten feet of it being a home run. Now, I’m not a mathematician, but I figured that if he could hit the ball that far on only “one” leg, if he had “two” legs, in all “probability,” it would have “equaled” a home run; and that would have been a lot of steroid-free home runs, especially for a man over forty years old.
I became more of a Bonds fan when I learned that he went to college over a $5,000 dispute. Out of high school Barry was drafted by the Giants. He asked for a $75,000 signing bonus, but the Giants only counter offered with $70,000. Barry turned them down and went to Arizona State. $5,000! Talk about stubborn! Because of a $5,000 discrepancy this guy turned down $70,000 and playing professional baseball, and instead chose to do home work while living in a dorm room.
But again, I am the rare exception. Most baseball fans resent Barry because he is suspected of steroid use and is now about to surpass Hank Aaron’s all-time home runs record.
I agree that baseball fans should be upset, but anyone who is angry that Barry Bonds is about to break one of the most cherished records in all of sports has only one man to blame – Bud Selig.
Yes, Barry Bonds represents the steroid era, but he is not responsible for it – Bud Selig is. Even if Barry did use HGH and other performance enhancing drugs, (which I believe he did – a man does not naturally increase two shoe sizes in his mid-thirties), it was not against the rules, and Bud Selig is the reason. Bud repeatedly refused to instate the type of anti-doping measures common in most professional sports. Partly because baseball players sucking down drug cocktails of uppers and downers was as common place as taking batting practice, but mostly because his commissioner abilities left “the long ball” as the only way Major League Baseball could remain solvent.
Drug use in baseball is nothing new. Players gorging on prescription strength anti-inflammatory in an effort to decrease pain and swelling and maintain full range of motion, and then countering those depressants with psychomotor stimulants such as speed in order to regain their necessary cat-like reflexes is a long accepted practice. But it was only during Bud Selig’s tenure that steroid use was rampant, encouraged, and embraced. Remember when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were chasing Roger Maris’s single season home run record? Where was Bud? The media might not have been privy but I guarantee baseball knew where Big Mac and Slammin’ Sammy got their newfound strength, yet there was Bud, whole heartedly and enthusiastically supporting them at every single game, laughing and cheering on the juiced-up hackers, while seeing dollar signs as every ball left the park.
Well Bud, you reap what you sow. Except now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud doesn’t want to be anywhere near the ballpark as Barry chases Hank’s record. And now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud puts his hands in his pockets whenever Barry hits a homerun. And now that steroids aren’t fashionable Bud releases statements explaining that Barry is “innocent until proven guilty…”
Guilty of what, Bud? Guilty of not breaking any rules? Guilty of doing it the right way until he saw the head of the league worship a couple of one-trick pony steroid users as if they were the Second Coming?
Unlike Rafael Palmeiro, Barry has never tested positive for steroids. Unlike Sammy Sosa, Barry has never been caught using a corked bat. And unlike Mark McGwire, Barry hits for average, walks more than he strikes out, and is one of the best defensive players to ever step on the field.
The only thing Barry Bonds is guilty of is doing what it takes to win, (and maybe tax evasion, but hey, who isn’t?).
The steroids controversy surrounding Barry Bonds is Bud Selig’s doing, and for Bud not to applaud Barry’s chase is the height of hypocrisy and only evident of the former used car salesman’s lack of class.
The reason I didn’t want Barry to break the record in San Diego is because I want it to happen in San Francisco. I want Bud to have to listen to the hometown crowd resoundingly cheer his nemesis. I want Bud to be in a stadium that is on the verge of crumbling due to the exuberance of fans showing their love for a man who gave everything for their team. I want Bud to have to watch Barry Bonds break Hank Aaron's record as a loud speaker in his luxury box blares, “This is your fault! This is your fault! Do you still want to retract the Twins…?”
I know Barry Bonds is a major league jerk, who has never been very nice to pip-squeak sports reporters, and even in college he was left off of the Olympic team because of his less than peachy demeanor, but just because the guy is an asshole doesn’t mean that his achievements aren’t deserving of respect. And yes, Barry used steroids, but so what? A lot of players did including the pitcher who served up his record tying homerun. Was it more wrong for Barry to use the “clear” (before anyone even really knew what the “clear” was) in order to combat injuries and augment his strength-training than it was for Cal Ripken to use painkillers and amphetamines in order to play every day and overtake Lou Gehrig’s consecutive games record?
I don’t want Hank Aaron’s record to be broken either, but it’s going to happen. And when it does I want that idiot who got his start in baseball when he was awarded the Seattle Pilots in a bankruptcy court ruling, Bud Selig, to be watching. And hopefully when Alex Rodriguez sets the all time home runs mark, Barry will be resting comfortably in the Hall of Fame, and the only asterisk in the record book will be next to Bud Selig’s name.
"Babe Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer...and segregation."
-Rocky
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