Wednesday, July 23, 2008

"Barack Diesel"

Christian Bale got arrested yesterday. I think more ironic than a guy named "Bale" posting bail is the fact that a judge didn't think Batman was a flight risk. All of this happened right after the "Dark Knight" overtook "Spiderman 3" as the biggest opening weekend box office ever. Now, I have no problem with the two most successful films in American cinematic history being comic book-based sequels, but I have a problem with Christian Bale and Tobey Maguire being superheroes! What six-year old, when he is pretending to be a superhero, imagines that he is Tobey Maguire? No kid puts on a cape and pretends to fly around the living room imagining that he is a fully-grown, yet still only ninety-pound, ambiguously heterosexual pussy. These waif twinks are not superheroes! A superhero is big and tough, and smart. A superhero would be Barack Obama in Vin Diesel's body. That's a superhero! Can you imagine John McCain challenging that guy to a town hall meeting? If Barack Obama had Vin Diesel's body the Republicans would probably just pass on this election. They'd announce at their convention, "you know what, Barack Diesel? We're just going to sit this one out, we'll be right over here in congress if you need us, thank you for saving the planet."

If Barack Obama had Vin Diesel's body it wouldn't even be an insult when the racist right-wing referred to him as "Barack Hussein Obama." Trying to make fun of Barack Obama for being named "Barack Hussein Obama" would be an anti anti-Muslim smear. Barack Obama would be like a Muslim superhero. Can you imagine a Muslim superhero? Flying around, making sure that Muslims abide by the peaceful teachings of the Koran? And what about a Christian super hero? I guess it would be Barack Obama again, but this time he'd be in Jerry Falwell's body. A flying donkey making sure that people who call themselves "Christians" actually follow the teachings of CHRIST!

I just wanna see Mary Magdalene in a Wonder Woman costume...

-Rocky

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

ADVRD - Attention Deficit Video Recorder Disorder

TiVo has ruined me. Today I was driving in my car and I found myself trying to fast-forward through a radio commercial. The problem was I was listening to NPR – NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE COMMERCIALS! I have been so ruined by my DVR that I can't even stand to listen to the occasional plugs for other shows or the brief thanks to the foundations that make it possible to have COMMERCIAL-FREE public radio.

And five years ago who'd of thought that cleaning up the DVR would become a household chore. The other day I actually told a guy that I couldn't go out and that I had to get home because my TiVo was cluttered.

The DVR is one of the greatest inventions ever – It allows tv-aholics, like myself, to actually do stuff because we know that we can watch our shows whenever we want – but as far as I'm concerned, I will still gladly give up my TiVo for a machine that can just simply keep the TV's volume the same during commercials.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Fight For The Presidency

I wouldn't be surprised if there were a physical altercation between the candidates this presidential election.

I think that the sole reason John McCain challenged Barack Obama to the town hall meetings is to juxtapose their toughness because if the presidential campaigns of Al Gore and John Kerry have taught us anything it is that America does not like pussies, (figuratively, of course, a lot of us really like literal pussies, you know what I'm sayin'? High five!).

But if Obama holds his own or doesn't appear meek enough I think McCain could resort to physically challenging the junior senator because it would be a no-win situation for Obama – If Obama takes the high road he's just another liberal wuss, and if he stands up to McCain, he's just a punk who stood up to an old man.

(Which, coincidentally, is the same reason that I never sparred with girls – it's a no-win situation...ugly girls, that is...lesbian, ugly girls...because trust me if I thought getting punched in the face might lead to a blow job, then lace 'em up, you know what I'm sayin'? High five!)

-Rocky

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

"...And All I Got Was This Lousy Pantsuit."

Why is Hillary Clinton's campaign debt still an issue? She spent more than she had, she bought stuff that she couldn't afford, and she did it out of spite – She deserves to be in debt.

Most of the time that she was saying she was being "out-spent" by her opponent, she was lying. She wasn't being "out-spent," she was being "out-raised."
She spent just as much as Barack Obama, and all in an effort to damage Obama. Her spending $30 million, cost Obama $30 million, so in essence she cost Democratic Party contributors an unnecessary $60 million dollars.

And where are these "18 million supporters" of hers? Do you realize that these "18 million supporters" of Hillary Clinton support her less than they regularly support a homeless person? If these "18 million supporters" thought Hillary's existence was worth merely the spare change in their pockets, she wouldn't have any debt.

The fact that Hillary still has a campaign debt means that there aren't 20 million people in this country who care $1 for her...which is fine - I say let the real world happen. Let Hillary have to start screening her calls because pestering bill collectors are calling at all hours. Maybe one will call at 3am.

-Rocky

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Contemplating My Navel

Now that I'm older it is absolutely amazing the stuff that I pull out of my belly button sometimes. I swear to God, last night there was a wrapper of some sort mixed in with the lint. Where does that stuff come from? One of these days I fully expect to find a missing sock. My Dad used to tell me that if I played with my belly button too much it would come undone, but now it seems like if I don't clean it out enough somebody's clothes might not get dry.

-Rocky

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Idiots-Free

Just my luck! The first day of California's new "hands-free" driving law, and I get a ticket. I guess "speeding while under the influence" is illegal now, too?

As far as I'm concerned, if a person can't drive while talking on a cell phone it's not the cell phone's fault. We don't need a "hands-free" law we need an "idiots-free" law – It should be illegal to drive while being an idiot.

And part of this "idiots-free" law would make it illegal to wash a windshield while driving in front of me. An idiot might have a dirty windshield, but I didn't...'til now, so thanks, asshole!
Just because an idiot wants to wash his windshield doesn't mean that I want to wash mine, and yes, I realize that it takes getting an automobile up to 65 mph before it is possible for an idiot to deduce that the windshield is too unclean to operate the vehicle, but that doesn't mean that it's okay to spritz and leave water spots on the 20 cars that unfortunately happen to be traveling within a quarter of a mile behind said idiot.

And while I'm feeling litigious, I think the criminal justice system should be revamped so that defendants have the option of pleading, "guilty," "not guilty," or "bitch deserved it."
Imagine the time saved on domestic violence cases.

(**DISCLAIMER - DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT FUNNY...unless the chick beats up the dude then it's fucking hilarious**)

Vote RockyRob – "I can't guarantee that I'll make drugs legal...but I'll try and get 'em real fuckin' cheap."

-Rocky '08

Paid for by the Coalition of Pissed-Off, Brokeass, Alcoholics for Common Sense.
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Beerner

I have a problem - I can't eat Mexican food without drinking beer. I know that this doesn't make me an alcoholic, but I fear that it may make me Mexican.